You can put away your time machine kids — there’s no need to figure out a way to jump through the space-time continuum and into the future, because “X-Men: Days of Future Past” is finally here.

Bridging the storylines of previous installments with the actors involved in each, director Bryan Singer’s return to the franchise has been percolating the buzzbox for weeks now, with comic book fans and action movie enthusiasts chomping at the bit to see just how the criss-crossing storyline — one of the most popular in X-Men history — translated to the big screen.

Focusing on a dystopian present wherein the mutants are under government attack, a plan is hatched that involves sending Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) back in time to stop the catalyst event that turned everyone against our powerful friends.

Related: Confused about the post-credits scene? We explain everything you need to know

And as one would expect with a summer blockbuster of this magnitude, critics had a lot to say! With big screen comic book-based adaptation films a dime a dozen these days, it’s hard to really impress a crowd — let alone a bunch of film critics.

Is the “X-Men: Days of Future Past” complicated, time-traveling storyline too much for audiences? Does the mash-up of mutants young and old feel like a gimmick? Are the 70s hairstyles of Peter Dinklage and James McAvoy too distracting or not prevalent enough?

We waded through the myriad opinions out there to provide you with the a well-rounded ...

Ayo, Justin Bieber. Listen. We’re all for the “confidence” that comes with unique facial hair, but we draw a hard and fast line at the dirtstache. If you’re going to be a a shower, you better also be a grower, because ain’t nobody got time for a mid-level dusty cruststache.

Hopefully the fancy free-stuff gift bags they gave away at the Vanity Fair Armani party you went to on Sat., May 17 in Cannes — where your plus one was the caterpillar currently parked on your upper lip — came with free fancy razors. If so, please get involved.

Photo credit: Getty Images; Instagram

Alicia Lutes

This one is a cockle-warmer if ever I’ve seen one. Jaime Maldonado was just minding his own business, heading to the grocery store, when he became witnessed to a truly impressive impromptu jam session that he managed to record on his phone. Three total strangers happened upon one another and put their musical chops on display, crafting a song that’s full of soul, even in a totally unscripted moment. Go on, it’s OK to admit you want to watch something delightfully heartwarming and real every once and awhile.

Somebody get these men a recording studio session — STAT!

H/T: The San Francisco Globe

Alicia Lutes

We might not want to live in a world created by Miley Cyrus and the Flaming Lips, but we would 100 percent want to visit there. For like a week. OK, maybe just a long weekend. Through their highly unusual fwendship, something bizarre and seemingly nonsensical becomes an eye-opening “oh, yes, of course this makes sense!” affair. Like their cover of The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”

That’s right: putting Miley and the Lips and the Beatles into a psychedelic funkblender has managed to produce something pretty tripptastic in a “hitch a ride on a rainbow-pooping-unicorn and hold on” sorta way. And you can hear a preview of the track right here, right now. It is equal parts weird and wonderful.

If you had told us that Hannah Montana would later go on to cover one of the most iconic songs of all time with some of the biggest stone-cold weirdos in music (that’s a compliment, guys), we would have laughed at you. It would’ve been real embarrassing for us in hindsight.

But Cyrus’ vocals and emotive abilities have been bolstered by her work with the Lips — they of playful but accomplished musical dexterity — as evidenced by their work on “A Day in The Life.” And though it’s hard to put our finger on it, as each musician’s signature playful absurdness kicks into gear, we can’t help but want to at least explore their be-glittered, batsh– world.

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Serious question: Do you think Kanye West wanted a croissant instead of ice cream while he was in Paris Sunday (May 18)? Because the look on his face is not that of a man who wanted ice cream.

Yes, folks: We’re dissecting ice cream excursion photos here, as the duo formerly known as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West — once unified, they will only be known as Kimye forevermore — are in Paris, getting their pre-marital bliss on in preparation for The Wedding of The Millennium To End All Weddings And Also Millenniums. Still the question must be begged: Why are you so angry at that cream of ice?

Surely, there must be something more at play here. Because there is nothing about sweet cream dreams, crafted in icy perfection, that should make anyone upset or even vaguely annoyed.

Maybe they only had caramel but Kanye wanted mint chocolate chip?

Maybe the cone was not evenly golden brown, causing the rapper to reminisce about those waffle cones he loved back in Chicago?

Maybe he’s more of a Dreyer’s man than a Häagen-Dazs enthusiast (maybe it’s a point of contention in the Kimye relationship)?

Maybe he didn’t even want ice cream at all — Kim had a craving, though, and the bride always gets what she wants — and the waning availability of his favorite French speciality made him melancholic?

Or ...

Regardless of your opinions on Lance Armstrong and his legacy, you have to admit: this run-in of his with the deliciously dark and hilarious-in-a-terrible-way game Cards Against Humanity is pretty freaking hilarious.

The self-described “card game for terrible people” has several choice cards from which you can pick in order to expose your truly messed-up inner self to your friends. Only when Armstrong was playing, it seems, things sidestepped the metaphorical and went straight for the delightfully literal.

Needless to say, surely the not-so-stifled gigglegaggle was on high alert during this game.

But, to be fair to Armstrong: It could’ve been a lot more awkward. After all, Cards Against Humanity is the gift that keeps on giving, with several cards in each pack left blank so that you and your fellow revelers might bring slightly more personal humor (true or not) to the game. Meaning it could’ve been very easy for Armstrong to have pulled one of these [completely made-up] cards instead:

1. “Lying about blood doping to the World Anti-Doping Agency.”

2. “Getting taken to task by Oprah Winfrey on national television.”

3. “Sleeping on a giant pile of money you earned by cheating.”

4. “Recycling your blood to pass a drug test (ew).”

5. “Cheating a whole bunch during the Tour de France.”

6. “Ruining cycling for everybody.”

7. “Throwing your friends under the bus.”

8. “Disgracing the good name of the United States Postal Service…again.”

9. “Suing people for telling lies about you that are actually true.”

10. “Making everyone wear little yellow rubber bracelets and then lying to them.”

11. “Being ...

Pamela Anderson is opening up about the sexual assaults that happened to her when she was a child. At a launch event for the Pamela Anderson Foundation, dedicated to protecting the rights of animals, she revealed the horrific experiences that led her to protect animals “and only them.”

“I feel now might be the time to reveal a few of my most painful memories,” the actress told an audience at a backgammon competition beach party the Foundation, according to the Daily Mail. “At the risk of over-exposing myself, again, or being inappropriate, again, I thought I might share with you why I am doing this.”

Anderson then recounted her first sexual experience as a harrowing one — her female babysitter molested her at the age of 6. At 12 years old, a friend’s “older brother decided to teach me backgammon, which led into a back massage, which led into rape – my first heterosexual experience,” Anderson said. “He was 25 years old and I was 12.” She also described how her first boyfriend organized for her to be gang raped.

“This meant I had a hard time trusting humans,” she continued. “My parents tried to keep me safe, but to me, the world was not a safe place. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom worked two jobs, my mom was always crying, dad didn’t always come home.”

She said animals and nature became her only companions.

“I prayed to the whales with my feet in the ocean, my only real ...

Long gone are the Twilight days of Robert Pattinson’s career. In their stead? Well that’s where we get the really, really good stuff. And it may be with his latest film, The Rover, that the actor finally gets his due. But we suppose that’s what one would hope comes out of working with the acclaimed David Michôd, whose 2010 film Animal Kingdom was one of the most talked-about films at Cannes in 2010.

And dues he is getting — critics the world over are currently getting their cinematic fill in the fancy little French town, so there’s nary a reason to be easy on anyone. Instead of relegating Pattinson to the sparkly vampire corner now and forevermore, they’ve instead embraced the actor’s turn in the post-global-catastrophe film as a “revelation” and “career-redefining.” They just grow up so fast, don’t they?

Pattinson is repeatedly regaled as “the film’s greatest surprise” by critics, applauding him for being an “oasis of humanity in this stark, forsaken land.” To be a beacon of hope in a dystopian future? Not too shabby.

The film focuses on Guy Pearce’s character, Eric, on the hunt for his stolen car in a desolate Australian town ten years after the catastrophic event that took down the world’s economy. Think of it as a Dude, Where’s My Car? for the post-downfall-of-society age. Would that make Pattinson the Sean William Scott of this age? My, what a thought.

Alicia Lutes

Miley Cyrus rode a giant inflatable penis on stage in London on Friday. Because of course she did. She also simulated fellatio on that inflati-dick, because of course she did. And in further unsurprising Miley Cyrus news, she also said a bunch of stuff about sex and roofies and sexuality whilst atop the puffed-up member because — you guessed it! — of course she did. She’s just Miley bein’ Miley, y’all. And a Miley do what a Miley wants to do.

While performing onstage at Heaven nightclub in London for her friend Cheyne Thomas’ birthday, the singer/actress/tongue enthusiast worked the crowd out for several songs and even gave us a bit of insight into the mind of Miley Cyrus. “Everyone’s a little bit gay. Some of us just a little bit more than others.” She also insinuated that if your intended partner doesn’t want to get down — gay or otherwise — to “sprinkle something in their drink. That’s what I always do” which is, unsurprisingly, 100% what you should most definitely not do because it is super-duper illegal and dangerous and not at all cool because roofies are fun for approximately no one.

But Miley makes her own rules. Clearly.

Intrepid concertgoer Thomas Welch managed to document Miley’s moves, in case you wanted to see her inflatable penis get the shaft:

It’s just another day in Mileyville.

Alicia Lutes

When the names Kim Kardashian and Kanye West come to mind, subtlety is not the first thing that comes to mind. But the duo known as Kimye have managed to muster up just that for their impending nuptials and the requisite invitation, thanks to a sneaky guest and US Weekly.

I mean, what is this? How is it that the Kim and Kanye Wedding Of The Millennium Of All Time is going off with nothing more than a neutral background with a stately texture and embossed gold lettering? Is that really what one would expect from the man who’s compared himself to a king, a god, Deepak Chopra, Jerome from “Martin,” 2 Pac, Picasso, Steve Jobs, Michael Jordan, Andy Warhol, and Walt Disney? Would Andy Warhol really settle for subtle minimalist? Ha! We think not.

Oh that Kanye — always trying to keep us on our toes.

See you in Paris, France on the 23rd of May!

Alicia Lutes