Finally, after years of unregulated torment placed on the heads of unwitting suburban homeowners, a cranky dude from Florida has taken a stand against, well, lemonade stands once and for all.
61-year-old brave patriot for the regulation of children’s summertime endeavors Doug Wilkey decided that the illegal business practices of his neighbor, 12-year-old T.J. Guerrero, aspiring iPod owner, has not only gone on long enough, but has actually caused a depreciation in his home’s value. There goes the neighborhood!
Wilkey contacted law enforcement and City Hall officials several times over the middle schooler’s year-round “illegal business,” explaining that the excessive amount of traffic, noise and trash caused by the small business owner have thrown this idyllic community into a cesspool of calamity and disorderly conduct.
“Please help me regain my quiet home and neighborhood,” Wilkey wrote.
“The city could possibly face repercussion in the event someone became ill from spoiled/contaminated food or drink sales,” Wilkey, champion for the stepped-on little guys of the world, stated in one of his many emails.
After his calls went largely (and unfairly!) unheeded by local authorities, Wilkey decided to step up the crusade, alerting the Tampa Bay Times that the flagrant abuse of the law was occurring “AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Records from the Dunedin, Florida city commissioners’ office revealed that Wilkey has been vigilant in his attempts to return normalcy to his neighborhood, having contacted them about the matter in May 2013, October 2013, and again in March and June of 2014.
Thankfully, Wilkey’s rabble-rousing has resulted in some progress: after complaining about the noise and profanity used by Guerrero’s friends hanging around the stand, the tiny lemonade renegade was forced to go the whole operation alone.
But the horrors Wilkey has seen at the hands of this young boy’s illegal operation are myriad: in addition to the aforementioned increase in hooliganism, our hero for underdogs everywhere claimed the children rode skateboards around, threw rocks and debris onto Wilkey’s property, set off fireworks that allegedly scared his dog, and accidentally (ha, yeah, suuuuuuuure) caused damage to Wilkey’s parked truck after one of the kids ran their bike into it.
One time there was even a line of FIVE people waiting to receive their lemonade and cookies, causing a traffic-induced maelstrom in the neighborhood — even though Guerrero claimed two other neighbors allowed the customers to park in their driveways to avoiding upsetting Wilkey.
Guerrero, for all his bad behavior does have a back-up plan, though: upon turning 14 he hopes to end his business in favor of applying for a bagger position at the grocery store Publix. A LIKELY STORY.
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