Dating a hipster is basically like owning a cat. This is a stone-cold fact that we can back up with years of personal experience, extensive research, close, analytical scrutiny and, of course, GIFs.
Allow us to make our case below. Might as well start fitting your kitty for a pair of tiny skinny jeans now.
1.) They Like You Better If You Ignore Them
When it comes to hipsters and cats, the rules of psychics (which you dimly remember from those classes that you dozed, drool-soaked, through) do not apply: For every action there is NOT an equal and opposite reaction. Nope, if you shower either species with too much affection, you will get in return… an empty room (and perhaps the small cloud of dust left behind when those paws or Vans go spinnin’).
The difference between the two, however, is that the hipster likely has all kinds of complicated issues for fleeing from your love. S/he blames his/her parents for depriving him/her of emotional support and love and feels incapable of returning the favor when it comes to a prospective paramour. S/he doesn’t actually like you that much but doesn’t like when you display evidence that you don’t like him/her that much. S/he is too busy collaging pictures of his/her aura with Tumblr fan art and selling weed to get back to you.
The cat, on the other hand, probably just wants food and you are the food dispenser and you are not currently dispensing food.
2.) They Prefer Vinyl
Hipsters will say that vinyl just sounds better. What they actually mean is that it’s really hard to display your superior taste in music to prospective paramours via Spotify playlist.
Cats just like watching the records go ’round and ’round and ’round.
3.) They Will Try To Steal Your Food
A hipster is probably partially dating you because you know how to regularly feed yourself. (Sometimes you just forget to eat when mastering the art of the Mellotron.) S/he will be grateful when you provide him/her with a meal — and will likely help him/herself to your abundant fridge if you allow him/her to stay, all the while exclaiming, “Look at all these meats and cheese! All that’s in my fridge is a thing of Sriracha and an empty whiskey bottle!”
A cat is a black hole into which food would disappear at a near-constant rate if gone unchecked, leading the feline to expand and expand and expand until it became its own sun around which we would all be forced to orbit until the stars died.
4.) They Will Judge Your Clothing
Are your jeans too loose? No way is that hipster dude/girl giving you a second look.
Are your jeans on the floor? What a lovely place for kitty to pee.
5.) They Probably Won’t Want To Have Children
According to most hipsters, children are the food-splattered swallowers of dreams. Bringing one into your household is like saying to the world, “I submit to your glittering shackles. I submit to your 8-hour workdays and sensible sedans and perfectly manicured lawns. I submit to sleepless nights (sans alcohol and jubilation) and screaming maws and kicking feet (that are not in the moshpit). And I submit to, oh! suburban gods, the fact that I am no longer the most important person in the world.” This is frankly intolerable. This is an idea that will be put off — at least — until s/he finishes his/her epic poem about how we were all systematically brainwashed to crave affection and acceptance from the ruling class via re-runs of “Family Ties” and the boyishly handsome visage of Alex. P Keaton.
Cats? Well, they just don’t like to have their tails pulled by food-splattered swallowers of dreams.
6.) They Will Wake You Up Late At Night
A hipster will say: “Hurry, person-I-am-dating-sans-label, there’s a 4 a.m. rave at this abandoned cannery down by the river complete with ziplines, a giant teepee and tons of illicit substances, and I’m giving you three seconds to get dressed and show up or I’m going to get distracted by something shi-”
A cat will say: Nothing. They will just bat you in the head repeatedly at roughly the same hour and then slink off as if nothing had transpired.
7.) They Will Throw Up On You
It is inevitable.
8.) All Of Their Behavioral Problems Will Require Extensive Research — All Of Which Will Come To Naught
You cannot change a cat. Or a hipster. Just submit to a future of emotional highs and lows studded with purrs and tears.
Brenna Ehrlich
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