“You don’t know anything, Mom and Dad!” Who goes through adolescence without shouting that when their parents try to critique modern music or communicate with “hip” slang? (Like, uh, the word “hip.”)

Then you wake up one day and realize you have no earthly idea what kids today are saying with their “YOLO” and their “smh” and their “turnt up” and their “Molly” and their “Ed Sheeran.” You don’t feel old, but those gray hairs in the mirror don’t lie, your social life mostly revolves around the Netflix comments section, and the last thing you experimented with was a recipe for gazpacho.

RELATED: ‘Sideboob,’ ‘YOLO,’ ‘Hot Mess’ Are Among Words Now In Oxford Dictionaries

Well, Buzzfeed collected a panel of “grown-ass adults” to guess what teenagers mean with modern slang like “OTP,” “thot” and more. Go ahead and laugh — you’ll know this pain soon enough, whippersnappers (OFMG, who says “whippersnappers”?):

[H/T Guyism]

Marty Beckerman @martybeckerman

When ESPN asked LeBron James about Michael Jordan last year, Cleveland’s returning king expressed his desire to “show respect and pay homage to the greatest.” Not every athlete feels the same way about his predecessors.

A couple days ago, we brought you the first post-victory interview with Gentry Stein, the newly crowned victor of the World Yo-Yo Contest in Prague, whose winning routine is now approaching a million online views. No doubt the guy is super talented and deserves the title, but we were kinda surprised that he dissed yo-yo’s old guard:

“I ran into this dude and his wife, talking about being yo-yo champions in the ’70s with rock the baby. That’s cool they have that story, and so many people have that same story: ‘I was a yo-yo champion in the ’60s, and I did walk the dog,’ but that’s what’s killing the image.

“What I’m thinking now is, if we can continue to push this video when it’s going viral — and to get as many people as possible to see what it’s becoming — we can talk about that instead of how their grandpa was good at something.”

We called up 78-year-old Bob Rule, a.k.a. “Mr. Yo-Yo,” a former champion who performed all over the country and appeared on national TV back in yo-yo’s heyday. (Many of his vintage yo-yos are housed at the Smithsonian Institution.) Rule’s too much of a gentle guy to return fire, but schooled us on ...

It sounds like comparing apples and oranges, but scientists are connecting apples and orgasms. According to an Italian study in the Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics titled “Apple Consumption Is Related To Better Sexual Quality Of Life In Young Women” (spoiler alert) an apple a day keeps your sex life awesome.

Out of 731 ladies surveyed, all ranging in age from 18 to 43, the 343 who ate apples on a daily basis “had a significantly higher…lubrication domain” (insert your own “apple juice” joke here) and satisfaction levels in bed. No participants in either group were “complaining of any sexual disorders,” and benefits were seen from one or two apples per day — ladies don’t need to binge on Braeburns and Honeycrisps all day long.

“This study suggests a potential relationship between regular daily apple consumption and better sexuality in our young women population,” the researchers concluded, potentially due to the fruit’s compound phloridzin, which is extremely similar to a female sex hormone. Also, antioxidants could improve blood flow to the sexual organs like red wine and chocolate do.

In other words: Your teacher-parent conference role-play just got more realistic.

Marty Beckerman @martybeckerman

Today on Reddit, someone posted a photo of “a majestic marble sculpture of Ron Swanson at the Walnut Street Theatre in Philly,” which currently has 3,250 upvotes. And no doubt, it does appear to be a glorious visage of “Parks and Recreation” star Nick Offerman:

Imgur

Just one problem: It’s not actually Nick Offerman, whose theatrical roots go back to Illinois, as opposed to Pennsylvania. (This isn’t the first time the Offerman resemblance has caught the internet’s notice.) In fact, the statue commemorates Shakespearean actor Edwin Forrest, whose career started at Philadelphia’s Walnut Street Theatre in 1820.

Still, despite living in different centuries, the two actors have one thing in common: Woodworking. Offerman is famously a craftsman, and Forrest worked as a cooper, an occupation defined as “someone who makes wooden, staved vessels [such as] casks, barrels, buckets, tubs, butter churns, hogsheads, firkins, tierces, rundlets, puncheons, pipes, tuns, butts, pins and breakers.” Yeah, that sounds about right. Time travel probably explains it all.

Forrest was likewise known for being cantankerous, and his feud with a British Shakespearean actor (whom Forrest hissed at during performances) led to a full-scale riot. Oh yeah, Forrest once whipped a dude in public while shouting “this man is the seducer of my wife.”

We had to know more about Offerman’s historical doppelganger — and his marble tribute — so we called ...

After what feels like years of speculation and anticipation, it’s official: LeBron James is heading back to Cleveland. If you’re a hardcore Miami fan (all 37 of you), your only consolation is to laugh at Cavs fans who torched their #23 jerseys in late 2010, only to celebrate today’s announcement like it’s the Second Coming. But hey, Clevelanders are too happy about the present to dwell on the past. Wherever you fall, you’ll likely find at least one of these memes to speak to your joy, rage or mix of both…

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Marty Beckerman @martybeckerman

Today’s the release of “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes,” which is being hailed as one of the summer’s most awesome movies. After seeing it, you’ll naturally wonder how you’d fare in a simian apocalypse. Answer: Not well! Even a professional MMA fighter would stand very little chance against a fanged, vastly more powerful creature, let alone a whole village full of ‘em.

And yet, there’s a sad chapter in American history when average Joes attempted to duel Mighty Joe Youngs, boxing or wrestling our evolutionary relatives for cash — and to entertain other circus-goers. The animals didn’t have much say in the matter, and judging by these stories, it wasn’t a great experience for the human combatants either…

Dale McFadden

At the 1959 Great Stoneboro Fair in Pennsylvania, teenager Dale McFadden (weighing in at all of 115 lbs.) got in a cage with a 130-lb. gorilla. “Back then I was…quick as lightning, but that gorilla was faster,” he told Grove City’s Allied News in 2012. The overconfident adolescent had “a little too much courage” from drinking beer; the gorilla wore boxing gloves and a muzzle, but McFadden still required first aid after getting his skull pounded for a few minutes. “I did get my five dollars,” he recounted to the Allied News, and “might have bought more beer” with it.

Boo Weekley

In a 2007 Golf Digest interview, professional golfer Boo Weekley revealed that, in an attempt to win $50, he fought an ...

When it comes to information about sex, we’re more likely to believe a doctor than our friends. The only problem is that we’re more likely to actually ask our friends — at least they don’t charge a copay to explain the difference between cold sores and canker sores, even if they mix up which one is herpes.

Fortunately, Mental Floss just posted a video with Dr. Aaron Carroll, author of the charmingly titled book “Don’t Put That in There!: And 69 Other Sex Myths Debunked,” to explain the top 20 misconceptions people have in the bedroom. Watch, learn, and maybe correct your gullible friends next time:

Marty Beckerman

Losing when you’re the home team is degrading enough, but Brazil’s soccer players received an extra pounding to their pride after yesterday’s 1-7 World Cup loss to Germany: A bunch of internet jerks laughing at their expense.

It didn’t take long for Pornhub users to upload clips from the game under the adult site’s “Public Humiliation” category, which apparently exists. (We only watch the “Romantic Partners Treated With Tenderness & Respect” category.) For example, here’s a screengrab:

In a tweet that’s going viral, Pornhub implored its fapping fans to cease and desist, perhaps due to fears of a FIFA lawsuit — or perhaps because its servers couldn’t handle the massive load:

At least they have a sense of humor about it, although maybe there’ll be a compromise when some adult film company releases “World D-Cup: The XXX Parody.”

Marty Beckerman

There’s a stereotype that New Yorkers are rude, but it’s really just that good manners are a little different here. You don’t take up a whole sidewalk while posing for an Instagram with your crew; you don’t enter a subway car until the other passengers have exited; you don’t complain when your salad wrap comes with the occasional dead rat. But who’s going to enforce these rules? The NYPD? Nah, leave it up to comedian Yoni Lotan, who dressed as a FIFA referee for this “Ref In The City” prank, just in time for today’s Netherlands-Argentina World Cup game:

RELATED: Tearful Brazilian Grandpa Seen Handing World Cup Trophy To German Fan

Marty Beckerman

“You look like a lobster!”

We’ve all said it to a friend after a long day at the beach — or, if our friend is a redhead, 15 minutes. But that’s just exaggeration, right? We’d never actually mistake a UV-overexposed human for a tasty crustacean?

Actually, it’s more difficult than you’d think, judging by these extreme photo zooms. Take a lucky guess for each, and maybe get some prescription eyeglasses before you accidentally boil your buddy alive for dinner. Haven’t they been through enough heat already?

Lobster or sunburn? Click on each photo to find out.

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Marty Beckerman