Halloween costumes come in three flavors: Scary, sexy, and topical.
Want to scare folks? Slap some fake blood on a monster mask. Want to look sexy? Pick a profession and show your midriff. But topical costumes take work. They have to be relevant, recognizable, and — above all — FUNNY. Otherwise, you’re left trying to explain why you’ve shown up to the party in an “Austin Powers” costume for the 17th straight year — or trying to explain why you chose to offend everybody there and possibly everybody on the internet.
Related: What Not To Do On Halloween: Wear This Ebola Costume
So, here are the materials you’ll need to turn 2014 events, memes and celebs into awesome costumes that won’t seem dated and might actually make people laugh.
Bob Costas’ pink eye
NBC
What you’ll need:
A suit
Horn-rimmed glasses
Pink eye shadow
Sanctimonious attitude (optional)
Really lay on the pink to capture that, “Ew, he caught that from fecal particles” flavor.
Ashley Wagner
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Tight ponytail
Sparkly skating suit
Woefully low judge’s cards
A whole lot of sass
You’ll need to perfect Ashley Wagner’s shade face after seeing her Winter Olympics scores. Get the look and stay icy.
World Cup player
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Neymar Brazil jersey
Wacky wig
Back brace
Seven soccer balls
Or you could just put on basically any nation’s kit and spend the whole night diving on the ground at the slightest contact.
Scottish independence
Paramount Pictures
What you’ll need:
“Braveheart” face paint
Kilt
Picture of the queen with face crossed out
No underwear (for maximum independence)
So what if it didn’t actually pass? Do your best Shrek impression, and then accidentally forget to vote to complete the look.
Ariana Grande
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Tight hair tie
Midriff-baring shirt
Kitty ears
Maybe the easiest costume on the board for all you brunettes out there. Just get a top tail, add her signature cat ears, and be suuuuuper coy about who you’re dating.
Related: Ariana Grande Is Already Dressing Up For Halloween
iPhone 6
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Refrigerator box
Slide ruler
Paint the box to look like an iPhone. Get everyone’s attention, then bump against walls until it’s bent. Prove it’s bent to everyone with the slide rule. Carry around a smaller box that you look at scornfully.
Demi Lovato
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Hair dye
Fedora
Sharpie
Any Demi costume means drawing on her signature tattoos, plus giving yourself a cute li’l cleft chin for accuracy. Pick about four different hair dyes, then plop on the hat and start judging some singing contests.
Carlton from “Fresh Prince”
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Tennis sweater
Sick dance moves
How is this topical for 2014, not 1994? Well, Alfonso Ribeiro is getting a second shot at the spotlight, and you can get the look by dressing like a country club grandpa and busting out the Carlton dance.
“Sharknado 2″
SyFy
What you’ll need:
Last year’s “Sharknado Costume”
The most anticipated sequel of 2014 didn’t even land in movie theaters — but it did dominate on social media. So if you wore a “Sharknado” costume for Halloween 2013, just put it back on again and hit the same party. People will remember how funny it was last year, and be slightly disappointed. Boom, there’s “Sharknado 2.”
Related: ‘Sharknado 3′ Is Coming To Destroy The East Coast
A law-obeying pothead
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Denver Broncos jersey OR Washington apple full of holes
Funyons
Opinions about chemtrails
Warning: Just because weed is legal in Colorado and Washington, police in other states won’t buy your explanation that “it’s just a costume prop, man.”
A Cleveland Cavaliers fan
What you’ll need:
Pre-2008 LeBron James Jersey covered in burns
“We Hate LeBron” sign hastily crossed out
“I’m Coming Home” playing on loop
Cavs fans have undergone the NBA equivalent of whiplash. Now that we’re all happy for them, we can ruthlessly make fun of them. Get that pre-cooked jersey out of the backyard where it’s buried, and talk about how you never stopped loving your hometown hero.
The Oscar selfie
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Cardboard poster
Printed-out picture
Ridiculous selfie-extending sticks
Remember this? It was the most retweeted thing on the planet last year, and it was only missing one thing: Your face! Blow it up and cut out a hole to replace your least-favorite celeb with your own mug.
Jaden Smith
What you’ll need:
All-white Batman outfit
Print out some of Jaden’s signature tweets and pass them out, to capture the future of pyramid building and purple skies.
Nicki, Jessie J and Ariana
Getty Images
What you’ll need:
Diva outfits
Diva attitudes
Pair of scissors
Get your two most callipygian friends (that’s our new vocab word for the day) or just put some balloons in your yoga pants, and have the brave Nicki impersonator use the scissors to approximate her VMAs wardrobe malfunction. If there are only two of you, do Iggy Azalea and J-Lo, recreating the “Booty” video all night. After all, more than anything, 2014 is the year of the butt.
Evan Scott Schwartz
Evan Scott Schwartz is a writer from New York City. He does not know how to wink.
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