As a proud Clevelander, I know there are a ton of amazing local pitchmen that grace our TVs every day. So when I found out Browns receiver Josh Gordon got a new gig at Sarchione Auto Group in Cleveland — just some all-American part-time work while he’s out on a year-long NFL suspension — I figured he’ll need some tips from the pros. Because everyone knows you can’t be a car salesman without making a cheesy local commercial. From the awkwardly creepy to the boisterously energetic, here are 10 of Cleveland’s greatest and wisest local commercial spokesmen. You’re welcome, Josh.
Marc Norton from Norton Furniture
First and foremost, Marc from Norton Furniture is a local Cleveland legend, and arguably the best pitchman who ever walked the planet. Honestly, it’s a miracle this guy’s face hasn’t been put on a postage stamp or a commemorative coin by now, because his commercials are ON. POINT. He wore the same all-black outfit every time, accessorized by his distinguished glasses and gray ponytail. The kicker here is his soft, creepy voice that you’d THINK is just for fun… until you learn he actually does talk like that. Yikes. There are dozens of these commercials, and they should all be required viewing because of the hilarious poorly-made skits that had him confronting everyone from Robin Hood to Humpty Dumpty to Adam and Eve, He always gave the same spiel about “seriously!” being able to help you with your credit problems, finishing each pitch with, “My name is Marc, and you can count on it.”
The lesson: Skits are fun! Also, they help people forget about your scary voice.
Mikey from Regency Windows
Norton’s polar opposite is Mikey, a small, overexcited dude who always screams, “I’m gonna save you a lottttttta money!”
The lesson: You can turn something as boring as windows into must-see television if you’re enthusiastic enough.
Related: 13 Actors You Didn’t Know Played College Football
Bob Serpentini from Serpentini Chevrolet
This commercial should be the gold standard for all commercials in the country, in my honest opinion. Serpentini’s been blessing our ears with his classic tagline, “American and prouuuuuuud of it!” for years, and he gets bonus points for regularly recruiting local athletes, like Browns cornerback Joe Haden, to appear awkwardly beside him.
The lesson: Bob understands that there are two things everyone loves: 1) Celebrity cameos, and 2) Patriotism.
Dan Geller from Fish Furniture
These commercials are always the weirdest to sit through. Geller doesn’t actually appear as a human being; he’s computer-animated and always sounds like a robot whose voice has been mechanically sped up. But the takeaway from Geller is the importance of sidekicks. He has two weird fish (hence the name of the store) by his side at all times, who may or may not be brother/sister or husband/wife. The relationship is still unclear, and is still subject to speculation in the Cleveland tabloids (just kidding, guys, we’re not as pathetic as that). In any case, Gordon clearly needs some backup defense.
The lesson: A sidekicks can make you look a little less stupid, even if it’s just a fish that sounds like it smokes two packs a day.
Sandy and Lou from Lifestyle Furniture
Another example of the importance of a sidekick is Lou, the dopey Lifestyle Furniture employee who’s always screwing things up. F–king Lou, am I right? But the real lesson here is the clever use of stock imagery, as this commercial cleverly uses by driving home the “explosion” motif.
The lesson: Don’t just say something’s explosive…SHOW IT.
Calvetta Brothers from Calvetta Brothers Floor Show
Any commercial that comes with a viewer warning like this at the beginning is definitely a hit: “Warning: Purchasing Calvetta Brothers’ Flooring can cause sudden tunnel vision, unbelievable excitement and increased phone charges from chatting about how awesome your floors are.” The Calvetta bros are a triple threat, and their spoofs about not being able to take your eyes off their floors is pretty damn convincing.
The lesson: Over-exaggeration is good. So is nudity.
Frank Porter from Central Cadillac
Clevelanders, sing it with me now: “All roads lead to Central, Central Cadillaaac.” That foot-tapping, jazzy opening always makes these commercials feel super classy, like Don Draper produced them. The genius of Central’s TV spots is that they use real people to make claims like, “They make me feel like a big shot!” That’s some powerful stuff.
The lesson: Plead to your audience’s desire to feel awesome. Also, Frank Porter simply oozes class, so brush up that suit and tie, Josh.
“The dream team” from Ganley Auto Wholesale
Gordon, in case you’re camera-shy without a helmet constantly blocking your face, take a cue from the Ganley Auto folks and recruit your coworkers to take some of the attention off. These guys aren’t afraid to go for the ~dRaMa~ as a team.
The lesson: Dramatic graphics—particularly those involving thunder and lightning—are surprisingly effective.
The pirate kids from The Gold Guys
This is the furthest thing from a quality commercial, but honestly, what else would you expect from a business called “The Gold Guys?”
The lesson: When in doubt, write a jingle that repeats the name of your business in the most annoying way possible, so it’s sure to get involuntarily engrained in people’s minds. Bonus points if you can get kids to sing it. Everyone likes cute kids.
Johnny Football from Nissan Altima
Last but certainly not least, Gordon can definitely take a page out of his (short-lived) teammate Johnny Manziel’s playbook. Manziel has been gracing Cleveland televisions with this local Nissan ad, which I’m guessing is supposed to make us feel more confident about our team this year. Look, guys! Johnny can throw a football through a car window!
The lesson: Use your skillz, Josh. Just because you’re not playing football professionally at the moment doesn’t mean you can’t play it amateurishly in a local car commercial. There’s no such thing as bad exposure! Unless you’re on Johnny Football’s Instagram…
No Comments