You’ve talked about it for years, and now you’ve finally pulled the trigger and convinced a bunch of your friends to rent an old camper, stock up on non-perishable food, and experience Burning Man in all its scorching hot glory for yourself. Your $400 ticket and vehicle pass get you carte blanche access to the experience that will instantly turn you into somebody who can’t stop talking about Burning Man after returning to civilization.
While you’re there, you’re going to meet a lot of interesting people — here’s a few of ‘em, just in case your memory becomes fuzzy for some mysterious reason you wouldn’t want your mommy to know about.
1. The Old Timer
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They’ve been to just about every Burning Man since it was created. Hell, they may have even invented the thing back with Mr. John Burning Man himself. The Old Timer will tell you all about radical inclusion and sharing, and then tell you all over again because they forgot they already told you. Or they won’t. They are on their own journey and you may or may not fit into their own little universe, man.
So go with the flow and follow their lead. Who knows, they might not even exist on this plane of existence. They know the ins and outs of the festival, and will be the coolest mother or father figure you’ve ever had.
2. The Tech Billionaire
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Whether they created some phone app or blog network that everyone just can’t get enough of, Burning Man provides these Silicon Valley rock stars the opportunity to try and outdo each other by seeing who can have the most outlandish digs available at the festival. How about a golden helicopter flown in by a bigger helicopter, filled with a shark tank and Playboy Bunnies? You got it.
Just look for the fully equipped yacht on a trailer covered with ritzy nerds. These guys spend more money in two weeks than you’ll make in an entire lifetime — but don’t worry, they make the site that allows you to put all those selfies online for everybody to see, so it’s cool.
3. The Drug Connoisseur
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They not only have done ALL the drugs, they also have ALL the drugs. If they run out, which is doubtful, they know where to get MORE. They didn’t come all the way out here to spend a single minute sober — they came all the way out here to stare at a campfire while you futilely try to make conversation with them.
4. The Performer
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Jugglers, hula-hoopers, magicians, musicians, mind-readers…you name it, they are walking around doing it, and they want you to see it. It’s almost like going to the circus, except with a lot more exposed boobs and d–ks.
5. The Sex Creep
Ashley Steel
Speaking of which, it’s no secret that the festival has strong sexual overtones, but this person has made it their mission to get laid as much as possible with other free love enthusiasts. They are at Burning Man for one reason and one reason only: To offer up a back massage and then share their bedding with you. If you didn’t hear them the first time, don’t worry — they’ll gladly keep asking and follow you around the festival for a few days before taking the hint.
6. The Newbie
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This overenthusiastic trooper has come to have the experience of their life, and brought plenty of food and other “supplies” to share based on the article they probably read on one of the tech billionaire’s sites. They will go out of their way to try everything at least once, EVERYTHING. They’re here to make thousands of new lifetime friends, or at least get enough experiences to have a lifetime of conversations. Just look for the eager beaver willing to do it all — even if that means looking into a mirror.
Tony Sam
Tony has written for MTV’s Ridiculousness, and MTV2’s Guy Code Online. He is also a stand-up comedian that tours around the country sometimes.
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