Gird your loins, ready your weapons, and Effie your Trinkets, y’all: In just one month, “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1” will finally hit theaters. And if you’re so excited to see this movie that you’re afraid you simply cannot make it through the next thirty days without completely losing it, then dude, so are we. Which is why we’ve got this structured to-do list, filling the hours between now and the premiere, so that we may all make it through this difficult time.
Day 1: Get back in a Panem state of mind by re-reading the entire “Hunger Games” trilogy.
Day 2-3: Cry for 48 hours over the death of [SPOILER].
Day 4-5: Cry for another 48 hours over the way [OTHER SPOILER] got [SPOILERED.]
Day 6: Brush up your archery skills.
Day 7: Tell your friends and family that you’re legally changing your name to “The Mockingjay.”
Day 8: Perfect your phony Capitol society laugh.
Day 9-10: Raise awareness for the oncoming revolution by discreetly burning Mockingjay symbols into your neighbors’ lawns. Bonus: Sneak into the local grocery store and replace all the bread with Mockingjay loaf.
Day 11: Find a very tall building in which to practice your six-second elevator striptease.
Day 12: At your arraignment, explain with great frustration that you’re not a pervert, you’re a tribute.
Day 13: Tickets to a midnight screening should be available now. Someone should probably buy them.
Day 14: Start sleeping every night with a life-sized shirtless Finnick Odair plush toy.
Day 15: This anticipation is getting intense. Go buy a nice flower arrangement to distract yourself from waiting.
Day 16: OH GOD NEVERMIND.
Day 17-18: Nowhere is safe from the Capitol’s influence. Retreat to an underground bunker for the remaining week til the premiere.
Day 19: Don’t forget to bring your cat!
Day 20: Get your friends together for some rousing “Mockingjay” party games, like Pin The Face On The Tribute.
Day 21-23: Become embroiled in a violent flame war with some random jerk on the internet who called your mom a “muttation.”
Day 24: Carefully select the outfit you’re going to wear to the midnight screening. Something classy in a brilliant shade of white, perhaps?
Day 25: It’ll look even better ON FIRE.
Day 26: And don’t forget an elaborate shave in memory of Seneca Crane.
Day 27: Ready your dad’s Jetta hovercraft for the journey to the movie theater.
Day 28-29: IT’S ALMOST ITME. Work yourself into a rabid frothing frenzy until you pass out from the sheer excitement of it all. Regain consciousness. Repeat.
Day 30: NOVEMBER 21! You made it! THE MOCKINGJAY LIVES.
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