Russia has been getting plenty of bad press as of late, for everything from the substandard bathrooms (that are probably under surveillance) at the Olympic Village to, you know, President Vladimir Putin’s truly awful crackdown on LGBT rights.
And that’s a shame, because, really, Russia is a beautiful place … rich in culture, natural wonders, and a unique blend of lawlessness that’s one-fourth Wild West, three-quarters distilled spirits (with a hint of Iron Curtain despondency thrown in for good measure). Seriously, life there is just like except the nearest hospital is 500 kilometers away and Johnny Knoxville not only owns a Soviet T-70 tank, but is allowed to drive it on the highway during rush hour.
In other words: Sh–is nuts there. Don’t believe us? Head to YouTube, where there are literally days of “Crazy Russian” compilations available for your viewing pleasure. From dudes wrestling bears and settling traffic disputes with hatchets to vehicles randomly catching fire and the occasional fighter-jet flyover, Russia really seems like the kind of place where anything goes.
And with the Winter Olympics beginning today, it’s time for Russia to tap that daredevil spirit and integrate it into the Games themselves. What better way for the nation to repair its public image than by replacing lame events like curling with cool stuff like the 10,000-liter vodka punch-off? Using the vast treasure trove of clips available on YouTube, we’ve picked some stunts that would be perfect additions … so long as everyone involved signed a waiver beforehand.
Actually, forget that last part. Everyone knows waivers don’t mean jack in Russia.
The 10,000-Meter Dog-And-Horse Street Race
At the 23-second mark of this clip, you’ll see a dog and a horse drag racing down a busy Russian sidewalk, while a crowd of pedestrians scramble for cover. Sure, it’s slightly terrifying, but it’s also adorable … and, frankly, we’ve been looking for a way to combine Westminster and Pimlico for years now. Also, if a dog takes the gold, there is a 100-percent chance Disney will resurrect its “Air Bud” franchise, which means we all win.
Blowing Up A Lake With A Grenade
For years, folks have tried to make fishing an Olympic sport … but, as the enterprising guys in the video above prove (at the 25-second mark), there’s a much more convincing way to make an argument: with explosives. To be fair, we’re not sure if they were maimed in the process, but, that’s beside the point. Like you wouldn’t watch this.
The Bumming-A-Smoke-From-A-Train-Conductor Relay
Anyone can grub a cigarette from a conductor while the train is in the station … but only a true Olympian is brave (or Russian) enough to do it while said train is speeding down the tracks, as seen at the 6:10 mark of this clip. As an added bonus, that means dudes who look like this are now eligible to medal in something other than Type 2 diabetes.
Driving
Just watch the video and try to tell us why surviving the streets of Russia shouldn’t be an Olympic event.
The Kitchen-Equipment Clean-And-Jerk
In Russia, they apparently hate frying pans so much that they bend ’em with their bare hands, while an army of shirtless beefcakes pose in background for moral support (check out the 50-second mark of the video above). So why not let the rest of the world in on the fun? Of course, in keeping with the country’s new laws, we are required to mention that there is absolutely nothing homoerotic about any of this.
Brawling At A Dolphin Pool While Bored Teenagers Look On
We were surprised they had dolphins in Russia too.
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