In the cobwebbed attic of my ever-fading mind, “Full House” is a pleasant, semi-corny memory only really marred by that time I saw Uncle Jesse’s butt when he starred in “Cabaret” on Broadway when I was 16 (so many warring emotions…).

Oh, and then there was that weird yogurt reunion. That was also a little scarring.

Well, my — and your — recollection of the show is about to get a lot darker. Introducing, “Sad Full House” — which is basically a bunch of “learning moments” extracted from the sitcom and examined starkly in the harsh light of day. The creator, Benjamin Apple, is clearly an evil genius.

Yup, this little Web series basically takes this…

…And turns it into this…

Experience the glorious pain below…

Michelle’s Mom Is Dead

Stephanie’s Mistake

No One Will Believe DJ

Joey Quits Comedy

Brenna Ehrlich

Brenna Ehrlich is a reporter for MTV News as well as the senior writer/editor for the O Music Awards. In the past, she served as associate editor at Mashable, penned a netiquette column for CNN and co-authored the blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." She likes trying not to die in moshpits and listening to songs on repeat. Follow her on Twitter @BrennaEhrlich for news on cats and punk bands.

What did you do when you were 17? Finally get your license? Share your first, awkward kiss? Get smashed for the first time and call that dude you had your first, awkward kiss with after breaking up in that car you got your license to drive?

While we’re sure you had a very eventful Sweet Seventeen, we’re guessing that Lorde has you all beat. Come to think of it, she has pretty much every famous musician beat, too.

In mere days, Lorde will have the chance to add an iconic honor to her growing metaphorical and literal trophy shelf: a VMA. The 17-year-old singer is nominated for two awards in the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards — Best Rock Video and Best Female Video. When she heard about her nominations, the Kiwi musician seemed confused, tweeting, “wowzer … vma nominations! OMG i am the black sheep of both my categories hahahaha.”

Um, but are you really, Ella? You’ve achieved more in roughly 12 months than a lot of musicians have in their lifetimes. You may seem wise beyond your years but, dude, you have lived.

Let’s talk a walk down Lorde’s gold-paved memory lane before she hits the red carpet come August 24:

First, She Had That #1 Single

Ever heard of a little song called “Royals”? Unless you lack ears, you probably have. Not only did it hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, the track — and Lorde — also made history. Lorde is officially the youngest solo artist ...

So you know when you discover a new artist and you can’t wait to go out there and spread the gospel of said artist to all of your friends — you know, the people who hang on your every word and trust each and every gold-gilded opinion?

Well, today you’re all my friends, guys, because I can’t wait to tell you about this new act Lowell and why you need to get into this candy-colored, deep as f— singer ASAP.

Here is how I imagine our conversation going. Also there are snacks. Imagine the snacks as well. And lemonade. I might also be holding and petting a cat. OK. I’m done now. Let’s go:

What’s a Lowell? I think you mean “who.” Lowell — a.k.a. Elizabeth Lowell Boland — is basically your new obsession.

Um, why? I’m pretty stoked on Lorde right now. And I’m way busy waiting for Grimes’ next album. I’m sure there’s room in your black heart and ADD-addled brain for one more amazing pop star who refuses to be corralled by this mainstream-swimming world of ours.

OK, cool. What song do I need to listen to, like, right now? Oh, man — that’s way hard. First off, there’s her EP I Killed Sara. V — you should listen to basically all of that, but especially “Cloud 69.”

Then you need to check out two new tracks off of her upcoming LP, We Loved Her Dearly, out September 16: the Lana Del Rey-come-Grimes-come-eff-it-no-comparisons-she’s-an-original “Summertime” and “I Love You ...

The world proved itself to be a dark and horrible place filled with garbage humans once more when trolls forced Robin Williams’ daughter, Zelda, off of Twitter and Instagram with messages blaming her for her father’s recent suicide. Twitter, in response, has vowed to change its abuse policies.

“We will not tolerate abuse of this nature on Twitter,” Del Harvey, Twitter’s vice president of trust and safety, said in a statement to the Washington Post. “We have suspended a number of accounts related to this issue for violating our rules and we are in the process of evaluating how we can further improve our policies to better handle tragic situations like this one. This includes expanding our policies regarding self-harm and private information, and improving support for family members of deceased users.”

Mashable reports that the accounts that had been harassing Williams — sending her Photoshopped photos of her father with bruises on his neck, among other things — have since been suspended.

Williams had previously asked her followers to report those accounts, and posted a statement to Tumblr thanking her supporters and calling out those spewing negativity.

“As for those who are sending negativity, know that some small, giggling part of him is sending a flock of pigeons to your house to poop on your car,” she wrote. “Right after you’ve had it washed. After all, he loved to laugh too.”

She also posted a statement to Instagram along with a photo of a butterfly before ...

A mingled groan and “hmmm” went up around the globe this past weekend when we heard that snap queen Kim Kardashian plans to release a 352-photo book of selfies titled, appropriately, “Selfish.”

Given the title of the book — and its subject matter — you might assume that the tome is just one more sign of society’s impending, head-first plunge into Narcissus’ pool. And you might be right, in some respects — depending on how the book is packaged. Will it be a kind of Warhol-inspired look at fame through a celebrity’s own gaze? Or will it (more likely) be just a bunch of photos of Kim looking pretty? Only time — and a bunch of publicists — will tell.

The mere existence of the book, though, is just the latest chapter in the lifespan of the selfie, one that stretches back to the pre-phone, pre-camera days. It even goes further back than the MySpace shot, you guys — it’s that old.

Allow us to dive deep …

Selfies Have Been Around For Longer Than You Think

If you think the first selfie was taken by some teen in his/her bedroom, cheesing with a Polaroid camera, you’re way off-base. The first “selfies” weren’t even captured on film.

“It really begins in the 1600s when Rembrandt famously paints a self-portrait,” Ben Agger, Professor of Sociology and Director of the Center for Theory at the University of Texas at Arlington, told MTV News.

Many artists have since put ...

If you’ve ever had the pleasure (and I do mean pleasure) of seeing Pulp live, you’ll know that Jarvis Cocker’s hips are, like, insane. Now imagine those moves as executed by a 9-year-old — and feel simultaneously awed and uncomfortable.

Graham Johnson was the winner of a Pulp karaoke contest, judged by Cocker himself. The tiny dancer performed the band’s racy-as-the-title-suggests 1998 classic, “This Is Hardcore” (sample lyric: “It seems I saw you in some teenage wet dream”). Someone’s parents are cool.

You can watch the whole (pretty inspired) performance below. We’re not exactly sure how to feel about the whole thing, so we’ll leave you with these words from Jarvis himself: “What exactly do you do for an encore? ‘Cause this is hardcore.”

Brenna Ehrlich

Brenna Ehrlich is a reporter for MTV News as well as the senior writer/editor for the O Music Awards. In the past, she served as associate editor at Mashable, penned a netiquette column for CNN and co-authored the blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." She likes trying not to die in moshpits and listening to songs on repeat. Follow her on Twitter @BrennaEhrlich for news on cats and punk bands.

Further evidence that Lorde and I should be best friends emerged on Instagram this week in the form of a photo of the “coolest thing” the 17-year-old owns. The item in question? That would be David Live, David Bowie’s 1974 live album.

Bowie and Lorde have had their share of interactions over the past year — the iconic musician and Ella hung out with Tilda Swinton at New York’s Museum of Modern Art and The Thin White Duke later told the teen she was the future of music. (Sidenote: Still waiting for that letter, Bowie).

I think a collaboration is in order — both have been teasing new music of late. What do you say? You both have regal nicknames. Think about it… (Also, I can sort of play drums… hit me up.)

Brenna Ehrlich

Brenna Ehrlich is a reporter for MTV News as well as the senior writer/editor for the O Music Awards. In the past, she served as associate editor at Mashable, penned a netiquette column for CNN and co-authored the blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." She likes trying not to die in moshpits and listening to songs on repeat. Follow her on Twitter @BrennaEhrlich for news on cats and punk bands.

So, I hate to tell you this, Miley, but you’re kind of turning into a dog lady. About 75 percent of your photos on Instagram feature you kissing various and sundry pups — the other 25 percent are of Wayne Coyne, punk icons and your new pig, in varying percentages.

Everyone over at MTV News, however, is pretty smitten with your most recent dog snap, featuring this adorable one-eyed dog.

From whence does that dog come, Miley? You’ve tagged Wayne Coyne and his girlfriend in the caption. Does the pooch live with the Lips and Co.? Or did you all hit up an adoption center and go to town with the nuzzling?

Either way, we think you should own this pirate of a pup — if you don’t already. Floyd is nodding along with us in heaven, so make him (her?) yours…

Brenna Ehrlich

Brenna Ehrlich is a reporter for MTV News as well as the senior writer/editor for the O Music Awards. In the past, she served as associate editor at Mashable, penned a netiquette column for CNN and co-authored the blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." She likes trying not to die in moshpits and listening to songs on repeat. Follow her on Twitter @BrennaEhrlich for news on cats and punk bands.

Lady Gaga helped make collaborator Tony Bennett‘s 88th birthday a high-flying one Sunday, painting the skies with a banner reading, “Happy Birthday Tony [heart] Gaga.”

“For the best … Singing together has changed my life,” Gaga tweeted yesterday, along with a photo of the banner. “Let’s trend it worldwide so I can tell him! #HappyBirthdayTonyBennett I love you baby you’re the best!,” she said as well, sharing a photo of her kitted out like Jo Calderone posing with the legendary singer.

Bennett also shared a snap of the plane, writing, “Dear Lady, you said there will always be flowers but this is ridiculous! Best birthday ever.”

Gaga recently announced that she and Bennett are teaming up for a jazz album titled Cheek to Cheek, due out September 23.

Judging by Gaga’s Twitter account — which is plastered with snaps of her and Bennett together — and yesterday’s birthday wishes, it’s safe to say that Mother Monster is more than a little excited about her pair-up with silvered-haired crooner.

Brenna Ehrlich

Brenna Ehrlich is a reporter for MTV News as well as the senior writer/editor for the O Music Awards. In the past, she served as associate editor at Mashable, penned a netiquette column for CNN and co-authored the blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." She likes trying not to die in moshpits and listening to songs on repeat. Follow her on Twitter @BrennaEhrlich for news on cats and punk bands.